This is basically what I said.
“I know many grown-ups have told you that you need to respect everyone.
That's what I was told to when I was your age. What I came to understand, though, was the crucial word was not ‘respect’ but ‘civility’. It was about being civil to people.
I had to be civil to everyone. That means that with everyone I encounter I don't hit steal, cheat, hit, or lie to them. Everybody starts with the same treatment.
However, the people that I really liked, the people that I saw do good things day after day, the people who were my helpers, my family members who loved me, those people earned my respect.
How did they earn it? You earn respect by doing respectable things over and over again.
You can't buy someone's respect or force someone to respect you: you can only earn it.
Let me tell you a story about a boy I taught named James.
One day when he was in fourth grade and we were on go time, he came up and said, “Mr. Holmes, I need to talk to you privately”. We stepped outside the door to our music room and he shared with me that he felt that no one in his class respected him. It made him feel bad. It made him feel as if he had no friends.
I told him that I thought he was dealing with a very important feeling and it must have been making him feel bad. I assured him that I was pretty sure that he did have a few friends but I wanted him to think back a few weeks to recess time when he stole the football from the other boys when they were passing it around in a circle.
“You thought that was funny, James, but the other boys didn't like it. Do you think they respected you when you stole the football?”
He slowly shook his head no.
“And how about that rainy day when I had stopped by your classroom to talk with your teacher about something. You had indoor recess and were playing checkers with Jessica and it was clear you were going to lose the game. You flip the checkerboard up in the air in anger. How do you think your class mates felt when they saw you disrespect Jessica that way?”
I asked him who his best friends in his class were and why he like them so much. We determined that he like them because they did respectable things on a daily basis.
“You might want to try that on for size, James, doing things like your best friends do and see how things change. Apologize for what you've done in the past and then just try to be a more respectful person and see what happens.”
Then there’s the story about the first time I set foot in our school, Wilbur Elementary.
It was 8:00AM on the first day of school and all the boys and girls had their fancy new shoes, clothes, and book bags. Everywhere there was excitement and a million smiles in the hallways.
There was one kindergarten boy trying to carry his lunch box and books in a flimsy grocery bag down the hall. Some bigger kids bumped into him. His bag ripped and his belongings flew across the hallway.
Before I could get over to help him, a lady came over with a big smile on her face, helped him pick up his stuff, looked him in the eye, and said “Let's get you a proper book bag”.
In that moment, I knew I respected that lady. I turn to someone coming down the hall and asked who that lady was. They said “Oh, that's Mrs. Howell. She's our principal!”
Good things happen to people who respect others.
This is what Mrs. Howell did that morning with that little boy.
There are people, though, that we will meet that we've never known before but because of their job title, we have to respect what they say and do as they tell us.
Fire fighters, the cafeteria ladies, the school nurse, the janitors, police - they all require our respect because they have learned that by learning how to do the jobs they are doing.
So even if I don't know the name of the cafeteria lady, if she tells me I need to get into a different line, I do it and I don't question her. And if she tells you that you're being too noisy, you don't give her an eye roll or any back talk. We do it and we respect them.
So just remember, everybody is to be treated civilly but respect is earned.
Would you respect a teenager who kicked a dog? No!
Would you respect a man who would hit a woman? No!
Would you respect a woman who hit a man? No!
Would you respect ANYBODY who hit Mr. Holmes? NOOO (laughter ensues from the class)!
That's right.
We have to be civil to all people no matter how disrespectful their actions are. But clearly, if disrespectful people do not value your respect, they will have to do respectful things to earn it – or they never will.
So if you want some more respect in your life, now you know how to get it.
Do respectful things. At your age, that's the only way you will get it.
Never forget, you owe everyone civility. I give civility to everyone I meet – including you.
You need to be civil to everyone you meet on this planet.
But respect is earned. It's not a gift you or I can give or receive.
So if you want respect, learn to do respectful, helpful things and see how differently people will treat you.
That is the only way you can gain respect, especially in this music room.”
“I know many grown-ups have told you that you need to respect everyone.
That's what I was told to when I was your age. What I came to understand, though, was the crucial word was not ‘respect’ but ‘civility’. It was about being civil to people.
I had to be civil to everyone. That means that with everyone I encounter I don't hit steal, cheat, hit, or lie to them. Everybody starts with the same treatment.
However, the people that I really liked, the people that I saw do good things day after day, the people who were my helpers, my family members who loved me, those people earned my respect.
How did they earn it? You earn respect by doing respectable things over and over again.
You can't buy someone's respect or force someone to respect you: you can only earn it.
Let me tell you a story about a boy I taught named James.
One day when he was in fourth grade and we were on go time, he came up and said, “Mr. Holmes, I need to talk to you privately”. We stepped outside the door to our music room and he shared with me that he felt that no one in his class respected him. It made him feel bad. It made him feel as if he had no friends.
I told him that I thought he was dealing with a very important feeling and it must have been making him feel bad. I assured him that I was pretty sure that he did have a few friends but I wanted him to think back a few weeks to recess time when he stole the football from the other boys when they were passing it around in a circle.
“You thought that was funny, James, but the other boys didn't like it. Do you think they respected you when you stole the football?”
He slowly shook his head no.
“And how about that rainy day when I had stopped by your classroom to talk with your teacher about something. You had indoor recess and were playing checkers with Jessica and it was clear you were going to lose the game. You flip the checkerboard up in the air in anger. How do you think your class mates felt when they saw you disrespect Jessica that way?”
I asked him who his best friends in his class were and why he like them so much. We determined that he like them because they did respectable things on a daily basis.
“You might want to try that on for size, James, doing things like your best friends do and see how things change. Apologize for what you've done in the past and then just try to be a more respectful person and see what happens.”
Then there’s the story about the first time I set foot in our school, Wilbur Elementary.
It was 8:00AM on the first day of school and all the boys and girls had their fancy new shoes, clothes, and book bags. Everywhere there was excitement and a million smiles in the hallways.
There was one kindergarten boy trying to carry his lunch box and books in a flimsy grocery bag down the hall. Some bigger kids bumped into him. His bag ripped and his belongings flew across the hallway.
Before I could get over to help him, a lady came over with a big smile on her face, helped him pick up his stuff, looked him in the eye, and said “Let's get you a proper book bag”.
In that moment, I knew I respected that lady. I turn to someone coming down the hall and asked who that lady was. They said “Oh, that's Mrs. Howell. She's our principal!”
Good things happen to people who respect others.
This is what Mrs. Howell did that morning with that little boy.
There are people, though, that we will meet that we've never known before but because of their job title, we have to respect what they say and do as they tell us.
Fire fighters, the cafeteria ladies, the school nurse, the janitors, police - they all require our respect because they have learned that by learning how to do the jobs they are doing.
So even if I don't know the name of the cafeteria lady, if she tells me I need to get into a different line, I do it and I don't question her. And if she tells you that you're being too noisy, you don't give her an eye roll or any back talk. We do it and we respect them.
So just remember, everybody is to be treated civilly but respect is earned.
Would you respect a teenager who kicked a dog? No!
Would you respect a man who would hit a woman? No!
Would you respect a woman who hit a man? No!
Would you respect ANYBODY who hit Mr. Holmes? NOOO (laughter ensues from the class)!
That's right.
We have to be civil to all people no matter how disrespectful their actions are. But clearly, if disrespectful people do not value your respect, they will have to do respectful things to earn it – or they never will.
So if you want some more respect in your life, now you know how to get it.
Do respectful things. At your age, that's the only way you will get it.
Never forget, you owe everyone civility. I give civility to everyone I meet – including you.
You need to be civil to everyone you meet on this planet.
But respect is earned. It's not a gift you or I can give or receive.
So if you want respect, learn to do respectful, helpful things and see how differently people will treat you.
That is the only way you can gain respect, especially in this music room.”
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