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That Infiniti Commercial with the Little Kid Orchestra

4/26/2022

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Enough!

Enough already!

I continue to see outraged music educators who are insulted by the Infiniti car commercial with the elementary school orchestra murdering Strauss’ “Also Sprach”.

It’s a joke. Get over it.

By bringing attention to your outrage, you make yourself appear to have no sense of humor.  You seem socially oblivious and unable to relate to the average parent of a kid just starting with an instrument.

Average parents get the humor. So should you.

The proper music teacher response is to wryly shake your head and say, “Yeah, somedays when they first start, it does sound like this.”

Fight the urge to add the sanctimonious
, “But it gets better” or “But they’re really trying”.

Leave it.

There are hundreds of ads with kids playing instruments or singing where their talent ranges from nil to super star. Infiniti is allowed to add to the list of ads featuring kids making music.

The only people getting upset at this ad are music teachers.

I’ve even read of the director of a youth orchestra taking umbrage.

From CBS News: “The New Brunswick Youth Orchestra has a message for automobile manufacturer Infiniti.:

“If they needed musicians who knew how to play, they should have called us."

No, I’m sorry. You don’t seem to understand the humor and hook of the ad.

Portsmouth Sinfonia much?

They don’t need an excellent orchestra of teens – they need images of little kids trying to sound like adults, comically playing large instruments, and falling short.

See, accomplished high school players  . . . . ah, forget about it.

​Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog: they both die during the process.

If I have any problem with the ad, it's this:

It exposes the dirty little secret harbored by many music educators.

My observation is that most music educators wouldn’t have given a tinker’s damn if the ad had featured a horrendous sounding elementary school-aged rock band.

You would see no Facebook or Twitter posts, no indignation, no outcry from the lofty perches of music educators.

The rock ad would come and go in their world without a ripple, other than possibly a swarmy comment like “Yeah, learn to play rock and roll and that’s what you’ll sound like”.

Why is that?

For starters, most music educators have limited experience playing rock and even less expertise in teaching it.

And, after all, it’s rock. It’s not  . . . . .

Classical music!

Ahhh, the holy of holies, the sanctum sanctorum of musical styles, classical music.

Every time society throws a humorous pebble at classical music or music education, music teachers transparently respond emotionally and take it personally.

They act as if they own the European, classical methods and instruments that they teach and couldn’t be bothered with guitars, basses, drum kits, and screaming singers. That sort of thing is for the riff raff.

Most music educators would rather venerate at the altar of their patron saint, Saint Greg.

You may know him by his pseudonym, Professor Harold Hill,  a 1912 con man hustling mid-west kids and families for a living in Meridith Wilson's "The Music Man".


Professor Hill’s saving grace? Along with his bad boy heart of gold, he was pushing classical band instruments and one of Ludwig’s classical hits, the “Minuet in G”.

While this Infiniti ad will come and go, the sting that it inflicted on snowflake music educators will have an infinite half-life and never go away.

Frankly, they should be thankful that a national ad campaign even features kids playing in an ensemble.

Take a tip from Elsa:
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Playing Out

4/24/2022

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A Plan

4/21/2022

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The Songwriter’s Notebook – Learning Songs in the Key of C

4/21/2022

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Irving Berlin, who couldn’t read music, wrote most of his songs in the key of F# major. He considered the key of C the preferred key for classically trained composers.

By now, I hope you know several hundred songs and that you can play/perform them in several different keys.

I’m going to suggest that you know all of them additionally in the key of C major. If they are minor, use A minor, the relative minor of C major.

Why?

And why the key of C?

The key of C is perfect for this exercise because it has no accidentals – any that are added will clearly take the song in a new direction.

The idea is not to learn songs in the key of C for performance.

It’s for analysis and understanding in a common key.

Think of the key of C as the Rosetta Stone for understanding the elments and of songwriting

Once you learn every song in C, you will immediately start to see similarities from song to song that you might not have noticed before.

This is important especially when learning standards and tunes from the Real Book.

When songs modulate, you will start thinking not in keys but in intervals.

For example, “The Way You Look Tonight” starts in D and modulates to F. If you learn it in C, you’ll start to think that it’s I going to a flat iii.

You’ll become more adept in thinking in numerals as well as in the first seven letters of the alphabet when you visualize songs.
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These common structures will be building blocks in the songs YOU write so it pays to master them all in one central key and then move them around to where the song dictates.
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Gigging in a bar

4/19/2022

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Maybe you’re a musician.

Maybe you play out.

And maybe you play in bars.

I was just reading some comments by friends who were exercised about the conditions of playing live music in bars – specifically how vexing it is that TVs are sometimes left on above or near the performing musicians.

Been then, endured that, always solved the problem.

Pro Tip #1: Be a problem solver, not a problem causer. Smile.

Pro Tip #2: Don't try and change the world, just make your current GPS (gigging positioning spot) a little bit better for everyone involved and not just yourself.

I get it. That kind of stuff can feel demoralizing.

Personally, I have no problems playing in a bar. My teachers played in bars and taught me how to play in them as well.

It’s noisy, people are there to have fun, and I am there to oblige them.

But one crucial fact remains:

If it’s a bar, . . .  it’s a bar.

It ain’t the Sistine Chapel, your living room, a listening room with sofas on the Main Line in Bryn Mawr that serves choco-molto-lattes, or the Royal Albert Hall.

It’s a bar . . .  and they have been this way for CENTURIES.

You must remember that bars are not designed for respect.

Their prime directive is quick consumption of copious amounts of alcohol. If you are a musician and a bar is where you are looking for respect for your craft, you’re looking in the wrong place.

If you think that having the TV on is disrespectful, how will you feel about drunks and people who scream and laugh like hyenas? Because stuff like that happens a lot of the times in bars.

How will you feel about dinnerware sometimes crashing to the floor, about the idiots who yell “FREEBIRD!”,  about dodging vomit in the parking lot at two in the morning when you’re loading out?

If that stuff rattles your teacups, maybe bars are not the place where you should play.

I don’t want to lay the whole “walking ten miles to school in the snow” Boyd Holmes retrospective on you but . . . . when I was in high school, the first  night I played a gig at the Havre de Grace VFW, I asked the bartender while we were setting up why there was a floor-to-ceiling collapsible chain link fence  on either side of the stage.

“You’ll see’” was all he said with a laugh.

By midnight, all those old drunk guys started throwing stuff at the stage, a la Blues Brothers.

Red Solo cups of beer, plates with food, all flying through the air directly at the band.

The bartender ran up, closed the fence but by 1AM, I was drenched in thrown beer and Italian salad dressing.

And in the category of "it's not a bug, it's a feature", for every beer that was thrown at me, some old vet kindly bought one for me.

All in all,  a  good time was had by all.


When I play at the Hotel DuPont, it’s a different vibe. I never had to contend with bar variables when I played in the Green Room or Gold Ball Room.

Think: elegance.

If it’s a bar, expect all the possible variables of a bar environment.

Do not expect things to globally change because you object to what goes on in a bar.

If it has been this way for CENTURIES,  why would anyone expect it to change now?

Because. . . you care?

Because . . . it offends you?

Everyone is absolutely entitled to their emotions, needs, and wants – but everyone has to be candid to the realities of a bar paradigm that has existed for centuries.

If the TV set is blaring, I have found that if I just politely say something to the bartender, they’ll usually fix it.

Bar owners and bartenders have a hundred and one priorities on their agenda from paying customers that far outweigh the concerns of the musicians.

Remember, many musicians are probably getting paid LESS than the bar back.

When have bar owners ever been even remotely concerned about the working conditions of bar backs?

Never.

To expect anything different than what has existed in perpetuity is indulging in  wishful thinking.

My advice if you’re gigging at a bar: Go with the flow. Don’t bitch about the mix. Have fun. Know the crowd’s requests and play them loud.

However . . .

Don’t like all the stuff associated with bars?

There is a remedy.

Don’t gig in a bar.

Play weddings in country clubs.

Much more refined, pays better, and their loading docks are tidier.

Plus, you get to wear a tux (see Exhibit A).

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​The Songwriter’s Notebook – The Ultimate Challenge

4/17/2022

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Write a good kid’s song.

Sixteen bars tops.

Something with only three or four chords.

Something with the range of an octave or less.

Something with primarily one syllable words.

Keep it simple.
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If you are like most, you’ll find that writing complex is a lot easier than writing simple.
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The Songwriter’s Notebook – Ducking

4/16/2022

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 If you’ve had the opportunity to do any audio recording, you might be familiar with the term “ducking”. Without getting into the weeds, ducking has to do with lowering several of the audio signals in the mix for a short period of time to allow another signal to rise above the other tracks.

If you listen critically to a song on the radio, you will notice how ducking is used to allow little guitar fills and percussion bits to cut through the mix.

Ducking’s primary use isin adding clarity to the lead vocal.

When I write songs, I always have the concept of ducking in the back of my mind.

After the introduction to the song, the accompaniment is ducked a few decibels so the melody can be introduced with less clutter behind it.

At the end of the first vocal phrase, the accompaniment will probably rise a bit and duck again at the introduction of the next phrase.

This pattern will continue through the song with each successive phrase until the chorus is hit and the accompaniment is at its most sustained loudest, nudging the melody’s volume and emotional content.

Ducking, like all audio mixing techniques, should be as transparent as possible and not distract the listener but rather sustain the listener’s line of thought.

One of the greatest weaknesses in the early songs we write is forgetting how a static accompaniment quickly gets boring and automated.

Be careful to constantly varying your accompaniment volume (as well as density and texture) as you develop your melodies.

If you keep ducking in the back of your mind, it will be like having an audio engineer working with you – namely, you.
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The beauty of this paradigm is that when you turn to the audio engineer and start to say, “I need more of me.”, it’ll be you and you will have already read your mind and bumped up your volume!
 
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Sit Magister Musicae Caveat

4/16/2022

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​The Songwriter’s Notebook – Accompaniment

4/16/2022

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Give your melodies the gift of a self-assured accompaniment.

No matter how strong a melody is, it becomes more compelling when supported with a strong accompaniment.

By strong, I don’t mean dense or complex – I mean dependable.

Think: the right notes at the right time.

I know “dense and complex” have the connotation of “chops”. The minute the accompaniment overpowers the melody, “chops” turns into “cluster” and “ego”. Better to stay simple, precise, and unobtrusive in your accompanying.

It doesn’t matter if your accompaniment is a simple bass line or whole note chords. Whatever the melody calls for, the accompaniment and all the choices you make inherent to your harmonic underpinning have to be as believable as the melody.

That means your guitar and/or piano chops have to be at a level where the accompaniment appears effortless to the listener. Your playing and hands have to be almost automatic so that they don’t clog your head when delivering a lyric with your mouth.

This is why “simple” is good. Don’t worry if your songs use I-V-vi-IV chord progressions if that is your current skill level.

You can juggle those four chords in tons of ways and adapt a variety accompaniment patters, tempos, and dynamics so things don’t sound too similar from song to song.

The trick is to always be pushing your ability to handle something that is a little more athletic in your playing as you develop as a songwriter. It’s easy to get complacent.

If you have ever gone to a few open mics, you know what I mean.

When your accompaniment is secure, you feel invincible and willing to experiment with your vocal embellishments without fear of them exposing your experimentation.

When I was performing weekly with our band, one of the greatest feelings was knowing I had four superlative musicians playing with me when I had to sing the melody. Everyone knew their job, their sonic shelf. No one ever overplayed their part or got in the way of the melody.

It was as if I had the best of safety nets under me. I knew that if I slipped up singing the melody, no one in the crowd would probably notice because my voice was cushioned by this incredible lattice of sound.

When developing your songs, think of your hands as your band. Don’t let them get in the way of the melody and your voice and you’ll find that even as a soloist, you’ll have just what you need supporting you melody and lyric.

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A Music Teacher's Credibility

4/12/2022

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    Boyd Holmes, the Writer
    musician, composer, educator, and consultant


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